November 16, 2010
New TSA Policy: Bathing Suits
Due to the AdminIstrAtion’s conserns regarding relations with everyone else in the world, discounting AmERIca and its citizens, HOMELAND Security, Due to recent protests, has issued a new TAS policy:
The wearing of bathing suits by all passengers will be the new requirement, which will be instituted Jan 1.
Passengers who arrive unprepared will be provided with a swim suit ‘substitute’:
For men and male children, ONE appropriately measured paper sheet will be provided, after the passenger is measure about the waist by an approved, appropriately trained and prepared TSA employee.
For women and female children, TWO appropriately measured paper sheets will be provided, again, after the passenger is measured about the waist by an approved, appropriately trained and prepared TSA employee.
For the safety and comfort of all passengers, liquid refreshments which no longer be allowed in the terminal or on flights.
Appendix:
1. A new authorization form will be provided for those who wish to forgo the approved paper substitute due to allergies, religious concerns or chaffing.
2. Hand manipulated measuring devices (i.e. measuring tapes) will be provided from Homeland Security.
3. To satisfy TSA’s European counterparts, all TSA employees will be required to participate in educational training specific to the metric system. To keep up the high level of competence and proficiency at airports, all TSA personnel will be informed of a rotation schedule where they will be flown to
4. Considering the importance of this new policy, exemptions will be limited to, but not dismissing the eventual additions of other exceptions, which at this time will included all Federally elected officials, unelected Federal officials (specifically including all members of Homeland Security and their families along, with all TSA members and their families) and their spouses or significant others, their family members, their friends and their friends tennis partners, and pets.
UPDATE:
Exemption one: All religious concerns which may violate the religious sensibilities of religions are exempted from the new Swim Suit Policy as of Jan 1.
Exemption two: The exemption clause is not applicable to, and does exclude, those of any Christian religion or of the Jew religion.
UPDATE:
Insert one: Statement regarding female passengers: nuns.
They will be provided a third paper sheet to cover the midsection of their torso as well as four pieces of transparent tape.
INTERNAL COMMUNITAIONS TSA:
Immediately training will begin regarding UPDATE Insert one, in the application of transparent tape…
[There is no such TSA policy. This blog entry is pure fiction.]
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